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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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 Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:19:06
The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:22:50
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:24:29
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:10:27
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office:I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:13:18
Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered," The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded," The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
But the fourth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:16:20
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:18:20
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating TABLE she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released FROM the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:22:12
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:24:27
Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done." A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one man's gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated & he gets a blow job?" The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO & Complete Coverage.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:26:53
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:31:40
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 11:35:24
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 12:23:03
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
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Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 15:29:13
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off cloths while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while saying “WAYHEY”.
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don’t bother to look for wash cloth? Don’t need one.
Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because of shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom with light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go “YEAH BABY” and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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bigmaddaz
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United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/25 : 15:43:51
if ya have ne jokes feel free 2 post them here
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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